We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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