1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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