Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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