My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
