if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
