I'm eating all of the evidence.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
