I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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