fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
