It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
