Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Randomize
