She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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