if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I can't turn off my feet"
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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