listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Randomize
