Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
