I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
