I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
