Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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