sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
