finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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