what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
