So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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