Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize