I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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