P.S. I can't hear my feet
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
