Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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