i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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