she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
