i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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