My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
