His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
