Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
