my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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