Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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