umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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