watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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