I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
