Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
