Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
