My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Randomize
