well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
