i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
