John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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