and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
