dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
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