I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
