Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
