I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
a search helicopter?!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Randomize
