my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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