shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
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