Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Randomize
