Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
